Well, lots of things happen this couple of weeks. Some are sad memories, and some are not-so-sad memories but I'm grateful for each day as I hope it will get me stronger and toughen me up more and more. I'm still trying to find a place for me to stand in this world though. Sometimes I feel like I'm a misfit toy in this land of wonder. Swinging left and right, up and down ~ flown through the air - like a speck of dust.
You know that sometime we might encounter strange moment where we feel like this is where we belong and in a matter of seconds BAMM! you are not. I'm getting all emotional and teary on this post and I just can't helped it. We, human, wants something but most of the time we can't even tell what it is. Its hard to explain. Its really hard and it hurts too. All the pain swelling inside, all the angers, tears, happiness, and sadness and this emotion just keep on flowing and flowing non-stop. SHIT!
Most of the times when something like these happens, I usually try to blame it on something or someone. Well as for this severe case I think I should blame it on one movie - The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. You guys got to watch this film. Its somehow feels so close to me but none of my friends kill themselves nor any of my Aunt try to rape me but I do get the 'seeing something' part. Visions in form of pictures and flashes happening to me. I don't have any blacked-out moment either but still whatever is happening is not cool.
Most of the time I do feel like I'm being a wallpaper whenever I'm in a group of friends. I don't really talk much to people whom I just met. I mostly like to observe human's behaviors. It amuse me all the times. I know that my own behavior that cause me this shit but I'm lucky I guess to have a few friends who always notice me and try to drag my butt out from my own imagination-unreal world back to reality.
As much as I was jealous by other people around me, I really am happy for them. I always put the lives of others in front of me. I get and feel happy whenever they are happy. I put on my fake smile and congratulate them. My happiness for them was sincere okay! Just that behind all that happiness I feel so sad. I have to say I was so shocked by the movie I mentioned above because it was really me and again except for that really painful moments but hey, I have my own share of painful and hurtful moments too. I like the ending. I want that in my life. To be able to feel the freedom.
Damn I just realize that FREEDOM might be the cause of this thing? Freedom, freedom, freedom... this words has been bugging me ever since. What is freedom actually? Does it really matters to me? In a movies, whenever the word 'freedom' is being use, usually it end up with one character asking the other(s) "Will you willing to pay the price of freedom?" I mean like c'mon.... that line is so cliche...
What exactly the price I have to pay for my freedom? Living on my own so the price would be all the bills on the counter? All the foods that I have to buy? - all that? This is where money issue comes in. The root of all evil in this pathetic world. For money people fight with each other! For money they kill each other! For money they start a war with each other! War generates money for certain countries and I'm not gonna talk about that so you guys figure it out - the truth is out there as long as you open your eyes and try to analyze it.
I want my friends, good friends. Like Charlie had. Like Patrick and Sam. Will it ever happens to me? I guess I need to change myself first. Try socialize a bit. I did tried it before though... Doesn't end up so well. Got pretty scared if you ask me. If I fail once doesn't mean I have to stop right?
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is a little-death that brings obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
~ Little Lies trying to understand the world all by himself. Will he succeed? No one knows~~
