Struggling Hard - Before, Now and Later

In my family which I can say pretty much religious, me being GAY is really hard...
Although I've never mention about myself to them but I suspected that my mama knows about me >talking bout mother instinct...< 


She sometimes hinted that she knows something is going on with her youngest son >that's me!< Maybe in a way I did try to tell her but I'm too scared. What happen if she really disappointed in me? I can't bare to look at her sad face...she is after all my dearest Mama.


Little thing about me is that my family is divorced ever since before I attended kindergarten. So the memory is quite foggy although it really managed to create a big scar in me that I can never forget... Up till now, that particular "MEMORY" is really clear to me as it happened right in-front of me and even if I tried to forget it it will just pop-up again and again... So basically after the tragedy, my Mama are the mama and abah to my brother and I. 


I've come to respect WOMEN a lot because I've seen what women can do. I think  that MEN can never hope to achieve >it doesn't matter how hot you are okay...< the same thing as we may only focus more on brute strength alone but women, they have this persona and aura that will always shine through. To all the women out there - you have my deepest respect!

In all these years of hiding I've come across all sorts of problems...whether about me trying to find a place in this silly world or going through a relationship-gone-wrong phase, I did try to maintain my composure but frankly speaking, who can manage to go through all sort of things and still be 100% positive still.


I've been in dilemma for so long..the feeling of guilt resides within me till up to the point I was thinking about going away, far away where no one will be able to reach me. So depress over this stuff and how I wish it would be more easy for me to handle all of this.


When I learn to finally accept who I am, well, actually there are times when I still questioned about the real me but as usual I can't find any answer to it...

Yup, I'm pretty much going INSANE with all of the problems around me.. Sometimes the thought of giving up always appear in my mind. But then again if I happen to gave up, how about my family? Who is going to take good care of them? Life is really interesting and unique as it literally brings you up all the way to the sky them without warning it just slam you down hard on the face!


Honestly speaking, I'm tired of all these lies and pretending...